


Caliper Profile

by Fericita



Category: Mercy Street (TV), The Office (US)
Genre: Crossover, F/M, McBurney makes a great Michael Scott, mercy street advent, personality tests as phrenology, the Mercy Street gang in Scranton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:40:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28241031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fericita/pseuds/Fericita
Summary: The new boss is giving assessments and Mary is not prepared.For Mercy Street Advent: Silver and AU, The Office AU day.  Thanks @jomiddlemarch for the prompts and @the-spaztic-fantastic for the tireless beta-ing.
Relationships: Jedediah "Jed" Foster/Mary Phinney
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5
Collections: Mercy Street Crossover Advent Silver and AU





	Caliper Profile

“What did I miss?” Mary asked, coming in uncharacteristically late, looking a bit pale and clutching her travel coffee mug like it was making gravity work. Jed noticed how she sat in her chair heavily, spinning a bit before she clutched the edge of her desk to stop the rotation.

“New boss is giving us assessments - something called the Caliper Profile?”

“A test?” Mary hissed and started opening the drawers of her desk. “Where’s my handbook - what is it on, policy? Paper stats? Sales figures?”

“No, nothing like that, it’s a personality test. McBurney’s testing us for ‘intrinsic motivation’ so he can ‘rearrange assigned roles’ in order to ‘optimize both production output and employee satisfaction’ in what he calls his ‘dual goals of incubating employee growth and promoting paper sales which exceed expectations in every way.’” Jed put air quotes around every other phrase in his explanation and Mary nodded along, looking more confused the longer he talked. 

“Ah! Ms. Phinney! Thank you for joining us,” Regional Manager Clayton McBurney III said as he walked out of his office. He clapped his hands and Mary winced at the noise, setting her coffee on her desk and rubbing at her temples. Jed wondered if she was fighting off illness or had just overdone drinks with Emma and Anne the night before. The ladies from accounting could party hard at the end of the fiscal year. He wouldn’t ask her in front of the cameras though. She’d scolded him for that last week and he wasn’t sure if she’d forgiven him yet.

“Today you will learn more about yourself and how you can contribute to making Dundler-Mifflin a mansion among the ramshackle, run-down houses of the competition!” McBurney interrupted himself to put his hands on his heart and tilt his head back with a sigh, like the vision was manifest and he could see himself sitting on the mansion’s balcony, surveying the operation of a company swiftly moving reams of paper. “Myers-Briggs is trash and the Enneagram is no better than a horoscope, but the Caliper-” he smiled at them benevolently, and Jed thought this man might actually be crazy, to speak with such affection and have such confidence in a personality test. “You all may open your email and commence the test!” 

Before Jed could even get his hand to his mouse he heard Mary gasp and turned in time to see her retching and then throwing up spectacularly over her coffee mug, the floor, and McBurney’s polished and gleaming wing-tip dress shoes. McBurney looked down at his shoes and then at Mary, who was wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and shakily raising the other in what looked to be a shrug or an apology, or possibly a “get-out-of-here-before-I-do-it-again” motion. Whatever its meaning, McBurney ran into the hall towards the restroom and Jed left his seat to go rub Mary’s back and thank her for her greatest contribution yet to his ongoing battle with the ridiculous corporate demands inflicted upon their corner of Virginia. He might not be a doctor, but he was pretty sure that whatever had befallen Mary was enough to rescue them all from the Caliper Profile, at least for the day.


End file.
